another new day…
It seems like every few days there is a major change. I had REALLy planned NO CHANGES until the better part of a year was up. But sometimes things have to change just to enable you to go on.
My husband drove a Honda Element. He bought the car for me, but he loved it so eventually it became his. I had a hard time driving it. The pedals were too far away and in order to reach them I had to pull the seat so far up my tummy rubbed the steering wheel. Plus sitting so far down I had too many blind spots and nearly wrecked it more than once.
I digress. After parting with his chair, the last thing I had in mind was trading in the car.
1 comment March 23, 2010
…joy comes in the morning
Well, the long dreaded day has passed. It is now over a year ago that Rodney died. I am amazed at the faithfulness of the Lord! I shouldn’t be…He said He would never leave us nor forsake us. Indeed, He did not!
The year, in spite of the pain, passed quickly. Yes, there were long, lonely days and nights, and in some ways it seems like he’s been gone a very long time. But overall, the year went by quickly. Saying that almost makes me feel guilty, but I know that guilt does not come from He Who Saves our Souls.
After Rod died, I felt there would never be a normal life again. I simply wanted my old normal back…period. I didn’t want to face the changes ahead and I was not looking forward to walking through those dark days. I DID however, feel the Presence of Christ on a daily basis. I knew (and still do), that His Word is true. He said that “Joy comes in the morning.” I walked and walked through sad days, hurting nights, many misgivings, and often felt that I was bleeding pain. But through it all, KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT that the joy He promised would come.
I miss my beloved, but I am adjusting to my new normal. Last week I woke up chipper and feeling alive for the first time in a good while. The two cats (Kit and Kaboodle) that I adopted to add some life to the quietness of the house, were purring comfortably next to me. My insides were happy.
I will always miss my husband, ALWAYS. I will cry periodically (like now), but I waited and His Word is true!! Joy has come in the morning.
1 comment March 23, 2010
…and the beat goes on
Even when you think it can’t possibly, life really does go on. It has now been eight months since my husband died. There seems to be this part of me that still believes he’ll come back and then there’s the knowledge that he won’t. But I AM ASSURRED that I will see him again. Just not on this earth.
Each new day I start over. Get up, get moving, get on with it. Sometimes I wonder “get on with what?,” but I know. Even when I don’t want to admit it, I know. Get on with LIFE.
One of my favorite quotes is, “Every new begining comes from some other new beginnings end.” I remember my new beginning with Rodney. I was mortified to re-marry. But I knew it was right and forged ahead. It was a new beginning after eight years as a single woman. And now that new beginning has ended and at almost 64 I begin again. To exactly what, I’m not sure, but the One Who Counts knows. The Lord has my days numbered…it’s just not my turn to go yet.
My Gainesville daughter (Rebekah) is home for a short week-end. It makes life seem almost normal having someone around who really cares. And my Marine daugher comes home November 17th. Things will REALLY seem almost back to normal then.
Once they both go back to their own lives and it’s once again just me and the cats, I will slip back into my new normal world. It’s not a bad new normal. Just not the one I prefer. However, the Lord isn’t done with me yet….and the beat goes on.
Add a comment October 31, 2009
a weepy day…and then sweet peace
Well, phooey! I’ve been having a really good week making changes here and there. Another milestone has come and gone. I traded in Rod’s Honda Element. He said to me in January, that this year we were going to get a new Honda Fit. “Probably our last car,” he said.
He bought the Element for me (in orange no less…to match my hair,) and I drove it for awhile, but he really loved it and it wasn’t easy for me to drive. I had to be so close to the steering wheel to reach the pedals that I was always afraid of the airbag deploying and decapitating me. (I wondered if you have a minute to think after you’ve been decapitated. Do you know what has just happened? …weird.)
Anyway, Rebekah needed a car so my thought was, I could trade in the Element on a new car for HER and I would drive her poopy Chevy Cavalier. But once we got there, she found a used one she loved and I saw the “Fit” that Rod had talked about, so in one day, I ended up buying 2 cars. I can say however that Rod would LOOOVVVVEEEE this fit! It “fits” my fanny, I can easily reach the pedals and I am an arms length away from the steering wheel. Unheard of when you are 4 foot 10.
All that and I didn’t cry. Then tonight somehow the tears just started coming. They were gentle tears, not the harsh boo hooing that I shed in the past. They were more of “I miss my honey, but I’m dong pretty well” tears.
More changes to come. Facing this week-end will be difficult. Sunday, new people are coming into the church to fill some holes that Rod and Pastor Josh left. As they are introduced, I will be praying for Pastor Biz…and for Julie, the church secretary and friend, and Pastor Amy. They loved Rod too and are missing him. He was he was in their lives daily and often they got to see him more than I did. We all struggle in our own way. So tonight, I’ve been weepy. Rod would welcome them with open arms, and that’s certainly my plan. I want to get to know them and love them and care for them…but with them at Westside, I’m even more aware of the fact that Rod is not.
Then I looked up and saw “Pastor Rod’s” smiling face above my computer. He is happy way beyond our understanding, so I reminded myself of good times shared. He is at peace with our Savior, and our Savior is here with me .
3 comments October 2, 2009
The Empty Chair
Today was 7 months. Seven months ago that my Rodney died. I miss him so…
Every night as I watch TV or read, his chair, now empty stares at me. I look over to share something with him and he is not there. I forget. Seven months and I forget.
Life is so different. Not bad, just different. Home is different; time with my children is different; church (especially church) is different; and work is different. He does not meet me at Sonny’s on Friday for lunch.
What will my children think if I get rid of his chair? Ah…”get rid” of. It seems awful to send his comfy chair away. But here it is empty and useless. Somewhere else it will be coveted and loved. I didn’t feel so terrible sending other things away, but I find I simply cannot look at the empty seat anymore.
I send it over to a neighbor who wants it. I know he will rest in it, find calm amidst a stormy day in it, and probably, like Rod, sleep in it.
The chair is gone. The empty space is still there.
3 comments September 25, 2009
Digging into the Word
I was working on a piece of art for a friend this morning. She wanted a fairly large collage for her office incorporating Micah 6:8 “And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” One of the things God requires of me in order to do those things is to faithfully READ HIS WORD.
I have an old, tattered Bible that I keep open on the desk where I do my “creating.” It was turned to that verse, the ribbon was hanging out of it and one of my new kittens was laying asleep, using the Bible as a pillow for her tiny head. She awoke, yawned and her paw hit the page, making a crinkling sound. The ribbon flopped and she was ON IT. She began (and not gently) to literally grab up the Word of God and chew it. She ripped a piece and actually swallowed it. At that point, I shoo’d her off the desk and patted the page back to a flattened state.
My pastor husband loved the Word of God! He was very good at breaking it apart and making it easy to understand. I leaned too much on that over the years. It was too easy to run to him and ask, “Where is….?” I find I must now do this for myself. The Holy Spirit will teach me in ways my husband could not.
So the picture my kitten painted for me was a vision of what I should be doing for myself! I need to rest on that Word (a pillow for my head, if you will;) and I need to tear into it and devour it. I have gently been reading and soaking it up through my grief, finding comfort in verses I don’t even remember reading before. However, I am now moving into a time of ACTION. I need to be where the Lord wants me to be, doing what the Lord wants me to do. I need to open up that Bible and read it! I need to be like my kitten…open my eyes, yawn, stretch and hop right into the Word, enthusiastically reading what the Lord has for me that day. I think the days of soft, mellow reading will take a back seat for awhile to the wholehearted “ getting in there” and ripping out what God has to say stage. And not just for myself but to share. Having said that, keep your eyes open. Chances are I’ll be throwing some your way!
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6 comments September 10, 2009
difficulty in overcoming…
I faced a hard thing today. But I did it head-on even through the tears. I went to Sonny’s. Granted, I could only tackle the drive through this first time, but I did it. I felt so sorry for the young man taking my order and handing it out the window. I feebly explained that my husband had died and this was my first trip there without him. He was genuinely nice and appropriately sensitive. How can someone understand who hasn’t been through it? But then, who know what he’s been through? I think about that now. What has the person I’m talking to gone through? Have they had a bad day? I’m trying to be nicer because if you don’t know me, to look at me, you’d suspect nothing out of the ordinary.
I’ve thought about going to Sonny’s several times. After all it’s been over six months now. Many friends have said they would go with me. I just really wanted ribs and sweet bbq sauce. I REALLY wanted them tonight!! So after work I decided today would be the day. I gave my order and as I rounded the corner to pick it up the tears just started. Drat! I haven’t cried this whole week. I missed everything about Rod. He would call me at work sometimes on Friday and ask me, “Wanna meet me at Sonny’s for lunch?” It was always a sweet time.
He worked in Apopka and most days went to Sonnys for lunch with the church staff…but knowing how much I loved it, he’d go again to the one here in Eustis so I could enjoy it two or three times a week. He would simply order something different than he had eaten earlier. He never complained or groused about it. He did it because he loved me.
He had a special knack of making everyone he was with feel special. Our whole married life I was cherished. I could count on it. No matter what happened during my day, when I got home I was loved and cherished. Only God knows how much I miss that!!! I’ve never been a touchy feely person but oh how I miss his hugs and his, “Hey lady, how’d your day go?” There is something so wonderful about sharing the mundane things of your day with someone who cares.
There is still someone who cares…and I DO feel HIS hugs. My Father in Heaven cares about me and helps me every day to overcome the little things. Today he had to walk me through a BIG thing. But boy, those ribs were good!
8 comments September 4, 2009
looking to see ourselves as we really are
We humans are very complex. Sometimes we talk about our “personality.” I seem to be an eclectic combo. I like to THINK of myself as friendly and kind and honest, perhaps to a fault. Others (so they tell me) occasionally find me too blunt and too loud. I pray that whatever they find, it is tempered in love.
I am also too impetuous and unedited; that is, I often speak too quickly from the overflow of my heart. Luke 6:45b says that “out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” I am a believer of Jesus, and you would think that if He is in me, there would simply be no room for the ugly stuff of self. Alas, not so! I find my heart is full of junk and sometimes it just pops out. Now I TRY to let more of Jesus shine, but I am discovering a lot of icky stuff remains! I assure you that when I stub my toe, my first thought is NOT to praise the Lord!
In an effort to be truly real with my readers, I want the essence of who I really am to surface. I want to allow Christ to fix whatever needs fixing, but need to confess my dependence on Him so He is free to move in my life. I don’t want to give Him just lip service. I want Him to truly create in me a new heart.
I mentioned yesterday that my husband died. Clearly, as a believer I have the blessed assurance of where he is. I knew I would grieve, but I honestly thought that because I knew Jesus pretty well, that I would handle it well and in sweetness. However, (that dreaded word…) I find that I am still struggling some six months later with a very real and present loss. Our two grown daughters are still hurting because their Dad isn’t here. That will probably never go away although I hope it becomes gentler within our individual lives. We find ourselves angry. There are sights, sounds and smells that affect us deeply and suddenly and they make us cry. When we cry, sometimes we cannot stop for several days. As a believer I find it embarrassing that I am not “farther along.” Some days I don’t cry at all and think about it very little. I didn’t shed a tear on our 26th wedding anniversary. My daughter did everything she could to spend it with me, but it wasn’t to be. It was actually a GOOD THING. I enjoyed the being alone with my thoughts and memories. After all, it was MY anniversary not hers. I can honestly tell you I wasn’t sad, not one bit. I knew she was worried I would have a difficult time because she called 2 or 3 times throughout the day.
Then one Saturday morning the fella who is re-doing the floor was here. I came up from taking out the garbage, saw boards on the carport and when the saw started humming, I lost it. That was it for the day and as the tears flowed, I really felt badly for him. It wasn’t his fault!!!! I just kept thinking that it should be Rod making those noises with the saw.
So I guess the plan is to chronicle our grief. Well, my grief. I won’t share any further about my girls. Their pain is their pain and their business. They might not appreciate my hanging it all out there. But for me, not only does sharing this help ME, I pray YOU can use it to overcome any overwhelming or sad circumstances in your own life.
6 comments September 2, 2009
Remember the Promise….the name
Some months after my husband Rod and I were first married 26 years ago, I went to a ladies conference. Joyce Landorf was the speaker and while I’ve long forgotten the theme of what she spoke about, I vividly remember the Lord (clear as a bell,) saying to me. “Your book. Remember the Promise.” Year after year I’ve been going to write it. I raised my kids, I worked some here and there and I even named my little art business after it (name plaques, cards, mixed media collages). Yet somehow I just never made time to write the book! The time has come. My beloved recently died and he ALWAYS encouraged me in every endeavor, including the book. I just didn’t know that the book would be about dying (specifically, his dying) and God’s promises to us.
In these months since he’s been gone, God has literally met me at every corner, at every bend in the road, and at every hurting and blinding spot. He has given me HOPE. Even on the days when a sight, sound or smell makes me cry. Even when I’m angry that my husband is no longer here, and that God decided to take him NOW. Even then, the HOPE prevails.
I have learned a lot, yet have a long way to go. I know that when there seems to be no way out of your despair, there is…because HE IS. God specializes in managing our messes to good and glorious outcomes. He is faithful to the very end. He has guided my past and he is guiding my “now.” It’s plain and simple. Trust and obey. I used to sing a song I made up just for my little girls, “Listen and do, listen and do, what mommy and daddy tell you to.” Now, I find I must listen as my Father in Heaven tells me what to do. AND THEN I MUST DO IT. I shall write the book.
7 comments September 1, 2009
