looking to see ourselves as we really are
September 2, 2009
parkis2
We humans are very complex. Sometimes we talk about our “personality.” I seem to be an eclectic combo. I like to THINK of myself as friendly and kind and honest, perhaps to a fault. Others (so they tell me) occasionally find me too blunt and too loud. I pray that whatever they find, it is tempered in love.
I am also too impetuous and unedited; that is, I often speak too quickly from the overflow of my heart. Luke 6:45b says that “out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” I am a believer of Jesus, and you would think that if He is in me, there would simply be no room for the ugly stuff of self. Alas, not so! I find my heart is full of junk and sometimes it just pops out. Now I TRY to let more of Jesus shine, but I am discovering a lot of icky stuff remains! I assure you that when I stub my toe, my first thought is NOT to praise the Lord!
In an effort to be truly real with my readers, I want the essence of who I really am to surface. I want to allow Christ to fix whatever needs fixing, but need to confess my dependence on Him so He is free to move in my life. I don’t want to give Him just lip service. I want Him to truly create in me a new heart.
I mentioned yesterday that my husband died. Clearly, as a believer I have the blessed assurance of where he is. I knew I would grieve, but I honestly thought that because I knew Jesus pretty well, that I would handle it well and in sweetness. However, (that dreaded word…) I find that I am still struggling some six months later with a very real and present loss. Our two grown daughters are still hurting because their Dad isn’t here. That will probably never go away although I hope it becomes gentler within our individual lives. We find ourselves angry. There are sights, sounds and smells that affect us deeply and suddenly and they make us cry. When we cry, sometimes we cannot stop for several days. As a believer I find it embarrassing that I am not “farther along.” Some days I don’t cry at all and think about it very little. I didn’t shed a tear on our 26th wedding anniversary. My daughter did everything she could to spend it with me, but it wasn’t to be. It was actually a GOOD THING. I enjoyed the being alone with my thoughts and memories. After all, it was MY anniversary not hers. I can honestly tell you I wasn’t sad, not one bit. I knew she was worried I would have a difficult time because she called 2 or 3 times throughout the day.
Then one Saturday morning the fella who is re-doing the floor was here. I came up from taking out the garbage, saw boards on the carport and when the saw started humming, I lost it. That was it for the day and as the tears flowed, I really felt badly for him. It wasn’t his fault!!!! I just kept thinking that it should be Rod making those noises with the saw.
So I guess the plan is to chronicle our grief. Well, my grief. I won’t share any further about my girls. Their pain is their pain and their business. They might not appreciate my hanging it all out there. But for me, not only does sharing this help ME, I pray YOU can use it to overcome any overwhelming or sad circumstances in your own life.
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1.
Sandy |
September 2, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Paula, you are what you are and friends will take the chaff and sift it from the wheat. Kevin calls me Mr. Magoo because I just sort of blurt out whatever I’m thinking. I love your “I’m going to tell you the way it is.” approach. (you honestly get that from your mother. LOL) Sometimes you need someone who loves you enough to know you can just be yourself. I love you!
Sandy
2.
Claire |
September 2, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Oh Paula! I am so thrilled for your decision to write! You have so much to say! (blunt or otherwise! lol) Praying HE will meet you in this new endeavor and that in the process your grief, my friend, will turn to JOY!
3.
Roselyn Prow |
September 3, 2009 at 4:59 am
Paula you are on your way and doing fine, keep up the writing,
Love, Auntie
4.
Pam Prow |
September 3, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Paula,
I am so very proud of you and I know that God is too. Your book will be another part of your healing. God uses us in so many ways for His purposes that we will never know. He does not promise us that we will not grieve just because we love Him and He loves us. I know that you and the girls miss Rod terribly. God will use that grief for His personal good and the good of many. Look at how many people’s lives have already been touched by your scripture books. I have many friends who are waiting for their personal scripture book. You are a blessing and God will bless you.
5.
Onette |
September 3, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Writing this is what you are meant to do. You’ve always said it like it is. However,everything always comes straight from the heart. You really do have a gift. Love You, Onette
6.
eastlakecounty |
September 5, 2009 at 1:00 am
I generally prefer blunt to beating around the bush, so Paula, we might be really good for each other. We’ll just beat each other up until we’re too exhausted to beat up on anyone else.
Figuratively speaking, of course. I am so impressed…if I didn’t know, I’d never guess that you haven’t blogged before. You go, girl.